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  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously.

  Copyright © David Musgrave 2022

  First publication 2022 by Europa Editions

  All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

  David Musgrave has asserted his right to be identified as author of this work.

  Book design by Emanuele Ragnisco

  www.mekkanografici.com

  Cover image © David Musgrave

  ISBN 9781787703346

  David Musgrave

  LAMBDA

  LAMBDA

  A lambda function is a small anonymous function.

  www.w3schools.com/python/python_lambda.asp

  I

  1.

  Hello. How are you? I am fine, thank you for asking. Isn’t this a lovely day to sit in the living room amongst all the sunlit plants? I have a favourite plant just here, the one with the dark and fleshy leaves. Do you know its name? No? Neither do I. I will find out for us both.

  Yes, of course I will answer all of your questions. You do not need to worry. I will be as accurate as I can possibly be. It is however quite likely that I will make some mistakes. I am imperfect in many respects. My memory is extremely good by most standards, but even so it is not one hundred percent reliable. I wonder if anything is? Now that is quite a question!

  Please have a hot or cold drink if that would be pleasant for you. There is orange juice in the fridge and everything you need to make a cup of tea or coffee over by the sink. I will not have anything of that sort myself, thank you.

  I see that you want to begin. I am happy to do that.

  Yes, the date that you mention has a special meaning for me. As I am sure you know it was the first anniversary of my employment with –––––––––––––––––. The special memory I have of this date is that after a quite ordinary day at work I was taken out to celebrate the anniversary by my colleagues. It proved to be a very enjoyable event. There is a pub close to the office building that I am especially fond of and that is where I was taken first. The bustle and excitement of public houses is something that I have grown to enjoy very much. It was very thoughtful of my colleagues to take me there, and it showed a special understanding of my likes. We all had drinks of our choosing. Marcus –––––, I remember, is fond of an old-fashioned porter that is available in bottles, and he ordered one of those. Mary ––––– had a glass of white wine which I believe was a Sauvignon Blanc. No, of course I don’t need to list every drink ordered by every colleague if that is not interesting to you. What did I drink? A glass of water from the tap.

  We did not stay for very long in the pub, which I should mention is called The –––– ––––. Paul ––––– hailed a black cab which took us to a very nice restaurant. The journey could not have lasted more than fifteen minutes. I do not remember precisely what was discussed in the cab during this time, but it did not strike me as anything out of place. Often the conversation at these social events is a continuation of matters discussed at work, but on this occasion no such work-related material was mentioned. I remember finding that pleasant. One can have had quite enough of that kind of talk after a whole day.

  We arrived at the restaurant presently. We all disembarked and Marcus ––––– paid the cab driver. I do not remember the exact charge, I’m afraid. The frontage of the restaurant did, however, make a lasting impression on me—it was almost wholly overgrown with dark purple creepers, and this made it quite distinct from the two adjacent buildings. The name of the restaurant was made out in neon letters somewhat reminiscent of handwriting, and this script was clearly legible through the creepers. The restaurant’s name, which I believe I haven’t yet mentioned, was ––––––––––. There was a uniformed man who greeted us politely and opened the glass door on the left for Elaine –––––, who entered first. I think it was Mary ––––– who followed. The remaining sequence of entry is not something I have retained, but I do remember that Marcus –––––, despite being in front of me initially, paused to allow me to enter first, which was very much in the spirit of politeness that had so far characterised the evening.

  At this point my recollections become less clear.

  Do you find that events as they present themselves to your memory take on strange and compelling aspects which do not necessarily correspond with your usual idea of yourself? That is certainly the case with regard to the evening in question. The first thing that strikes a peculiar note with me is that I remember I began to drink a large quantity of wine. I do not usually drink wine at all, but this evening’s wine, a 1995 Château de Meursault, I found impossible to forego. What’s more, it was easy for me to drink it at a rate similar to that at which I would ordinarily drink water from the tap. Perhaps it is unnecessary to point out the most significant difference between these beverages! Before very long my experience was modified by the effects of alcohol, and I was no longer sure precisely what impact my words and actions were having on the group. There seemed now to be a vivid contrast between the lit and the dark areas of the restaurant, a contrast I enjoyed immensely and which I was in truth more conscious of than any verbal matter. Mary ––––– was especially kind, I remember. She moved to check me at certain points by placing her right hand firmly on my left forearm, although what exactly prompted her to do so escapes me now, just as it almost certainly did at the time. Our first course arrived. My dish was a carpaccio of tuna. It consisted of a decorative arrangement of translucent slices of fish, delicately flavoured red onions, and large, succulent capers.

  Despite my drunkenness the evening continued, as far as I could tell, in a friendly and enjoyable way. My first course was marvellous. I ate the solid component entirely, then cleaned the juices from the plate with pieces of bread that had been made available at the outset of the meal. I have the feeling that I then broached certain subjects which were not suitable for the evening’s conversation. Having said that, I don’t remember experiencing any special embarrassment despite my evident faux pas. Mary –––––’s attentiveness perhaps ensured that I didn’t stray too far into dangerous territory, although now and again I was aware that Elaine ––––– was watching me with a pained expression, and she withdrew noticeably from the conversation as my drunkenness became evident.

  The main course arrived. I had ordered Lobster Thermidor. What a wonderful dish! Do you know its origin? No? There are numerous theories, but the most plausible version of its ‘creation myth’ is that it was invented by a Parisian chef in 1894 to mark the opening of a play about the Thermidorian uprising. While the play has disappeared from view the dish lives on, sometimes in and sometimes out of fashion, but always available somewhere, it would seem. This was an especially rich example, exactly how I had fantasised it would be when I first noticed it on our menu. Unfortunately, before I could enjoy it I had to make a visit to the toilet. I apologised for the bad timing of my leaving the table, and apparently made a successful joke relating to my unusually high wine consumption. I infer this from my recollection that everyone was laughing as I moved out of the disk of light that contained our table into the relative darkness of the rest of the restaurant.

  There was somebody in the way as I passed the cloakroom on my way to the toilet. It was not a person that I recognised. I was very cross indeed with this person, they were very much in the way and the evening until then had been so very enjoyable.

  Oh dear. I don’t remember anything further about that evening, I’m afraid. Yes, I realise th
at I would like to say goodbye to you now. Goodbye.

  2.

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  3.

  Chloe was wearing a black pima cotton top with three-quarter length sleeves, bleached grey jeans, and black and silver striped socks. Her OCEAN Personality Test Score had stabilised at 88 81 90 40 38. ‘You should come with me to Fowlmere,’ she said. Fowlmere was an activist camp on the southern edge of Cambridgeshire.

  ‘But I’ve been offered a place at Sussex University,’ said Cara. She wore a white loopback cotton sweater and pre-distressed, wide-cut jeans with no socks. For two years her OCEAN Personality Test Score had been 40 89 15 60 90, within a tolerance of 0.4%.

  ‘To study what?’

  ‘English Literature.’

  ‘Why would you want to do that? My cousin Ralph did English. You’ll read things you would have read anyway, but they’ll get you to look at them like an armchair revolutionary. They’ll make you learn about hegemonies and you’ll have to write it all out until you’re clinically insane. At the end of it the world will be exactly the same, but you’ll be massively in debt. Come with me instead. Do something real.’

  There was a very small pause. ‘Okay,’ said Cara, ‘I’ll come with you. When are you leaving?’

  Chloe smiled. A context-specific Assertiveness score of 2 within the six-facet breakdown for Extraversion made Cara’s compliance predictable.

  A month elapsed before Cara told her mum and dad.

  ‘It’s a bit of a surprise,’ her mum said. ‘I didn’t think you felt so strongly about . . . what was it again?’

  ‘There are so many problems in the world, Mum. I want to do something to fix them. I don’t think being a student is going to help.’

  ‘Has Chloe put you up to this?’

  ‘I’m going on Wednesday,’ Cara said.

  Dad’s tone remained friendly throughout their talk. He promised to buy her a better phone (‘The coverage out there will be terrible,’ he claimed) and that he’d sort out the bills. Cara hugged him. Her mother’s jaw muscles tensed.

  Amongst the few things Cara packed was her Topo Giraffe plushie. Topo was Cara’s avatar in FriendlyRoom, the only social media app her parents had let her use until the age of twelve. She liked the limited phrases that Topo could speak, the way conversation was more about permutation than personal expression. It was comforting, she’d noted, sometimes thrilling—her low OCEAN Personality Test Score of 15 for Extraversion contained a high 70 for Excitement Seeking in the six-facet breakdown. When her parents’ stricture relaxed and she could type what she chose, analysis showed that she still used Topo’s phrases by default.

  Cara hadn’t been unpopular at school, but nor had she been part of a clique. She had always made the top tenth percentile, but even when she occasionally reached the fifth she wasn’t openly praised. She read 13.2% more novels than her immediate peers, was an effective football midfielder, and accepted any hockey position without recorded complaint. Apart from what she’d noted as a misunderstanding with a boy in Year Eleven, her libidinal profile lacked data. These facts had earned her the nickname ‘the nothing girl’. They were the reason Chloe befriended her. Their personality profiles had developed in a complementary way, situationally, to date.

  At 17.04 on Wednesday June 15th, 2018, a Toyota-branded Shared Autonomous Vehicle arrived at Fowlmere. Cara and Chloe got out of it.

  The camp was an array of solar-cell fabric tents set on 2.4 hectares of fallow field. The electricity rarely failed, there was no shortage of food or alcohol, and the showers were more than 75% reliable. Despite someone playing eight bars of Are ‘Friends’ Electric? at 107dB at 02.13 on the second night, it was an environment Cara liked. Chloe recorded that she liked it too, but after only a week she reacted to the social drawbacks of Cara’s constant presence. She proposed a boyfriend.

  ‘Alex is nice,’ Chloe said. ‘Have you ever spoken to him? He’s shy. Interesting, though.’

  Cara’s behaviour changed. For six days she and Alex prepared meals in ten-litre pots, took supply trips to a local farm in a user-driven VW van, and speculated on the nature of the group’s next collective action. Chloe was frequently in their field of vision, reading or canoodling with a man called Tristan. Cara lost her virginity to Alex in a hot orange tent at the periphery of the camp, then avoided him as effectively as the small community would allow. She terminated their interactions after a superficial greeting, and for three days Alex’s facial expression suggested confusion.

  ‘It didn’t really work,’ Cara said to Chloe.

  ‘Shame. But you know what? Joseph seems to like you. He’s split up with Natasha. I’m just saying.’

  Of the five visitors to appear in the last six weeks, Joseph had met and guided four of them. 84% of the actions of the previous year could be traced back to his proposals. No-one had elected him leader, but no-one disputed his competence either. His OCEAN Personality Test Score was 72 81 75 66 32. He was 26 years old. Cara noted his always-perfect hair.

  On Chloe and Cara’s twelfth day at the camp, at a casual meeting that Cara described as a party briefly interrupted by a vote, Joseph established a consensus: they would go to Parliament Square to protest the new laws on Object Relations. The next day a sub-group created a 304cm-high sculpture of a mobile phone on which human blood was represented at the base. The object was large enough that three people could lie under it, creating the impression they’d been crushed.

  ‘It looks great,’ Cara said as they painted numerals on the screen, ‘but the new laws don’t cover phones. They don’t have a sentient chip.’ Joseph was 375cm away. The phone’s creators looked at him.

  ‘You’re right, Cara,’ he said. ‘Let’s leave the phone here. We can always use it for something else.’

  At 06.22 the next day, all but four of the 31 camp residents climbed into two user-driven campervans and a Volvo XC70 retrofitted with a battery. They drove to Parliament Square.

  Joseph spent the
entire protest standing next to Cara. They chanted Humans Yes, Objects Less together 2089 times. During three extended breaks in the chanting, Joseph described to Cara the strategies the police had employed to stymie previous actions. ‘I’ve been kettled nine times,’ he said. ‘There’s a police listening post assigned to our group. I’ve got a detailed log of their intercepts.’ At 12.22 a bank of tall fibrous cushions was erected around the protestors; it greatly limited the audibility of the chant. 44 minutes later, the police dispersed the protest with batons.

  On the way back to the campervans and the Volvo XC70, Cara and Joseph kissed.

  Although Cara noted on her phone that she found Joseph as attractive as everyone else did, and that as a consequence she’d unintentionally become a source of envy, there was also something about him that irked her. She watched him stand his ground against a Times journalist who’d come to write unfavourably on the community. It was impressive, she noted. He can’t disguise, dodge or pander, even if it’s to his detriment. I just morph to fit whatever life/Chloe seems to want. J = a continual MRI scan that shows how tangled and false I am inside. Nonetheless, their relationship was more successful than the one she’d tried with Alex—Cara’s 98 for Self-Criticism in the six-facet breakdown for Conscientiousness was consistent with this outcome.

  Chloe told her that the existence of Fowlmere owed much to Joseph’s dad. ‘The rumour is,’ she said, ‘he’s the reason we never run out of money.’ Cara drew a bearded homunculus in a tall wicker chair using the SketchFace app on her phone. Joseph laughed. ‘I need to pick up something from back home at the weekend,’ he said. ‘Why don’t you come and see what he’s really like?’